Gaslighting

As a counsellor, one of the most common issues I encounter in people coming out of an abusive relationship is gaslighting. You might have heard the term "gaslighting" thrown around more often lately, but what does it really mean? More importantly, how can you recognise when it's happening to you, and what should you do about it?

In this article, I’ll walk you through the origins of gaslighting, how to identify the warning signs that someone may be gaslighting you, and why reaching out for help can be a critical step toward healing.

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, which was later made into a film in the 1940s. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife by gradually dimming the gas lights in their home, all the while insisting that nothing has changed. His goal is to make her question her perceptions, slowly driving her to doubt her own sanity. This form of psychological manipulation was so effective and damaging in the story that the term gaslighting was coined to describe this type of emotional abuse.

Today, gaslighting refers to any behaviour where an abuser tries to make you doubt your own reality, feelings, or memories. It’s a powerful tactic often used in an abusive relationship to maintain control. The gas lighter's aim is to make you feel confused, anxious, and unsure of yourself, eventually causing you to become dependent on them for what’s “real” or “true.” Over time, this erodes your self-confidence and sense of reality.

Gaslighting can happen in any relationship – romantic, familial, or even at work. The frightening part is that it often happens so gradually that you might not realise you’re being manipulated until you're deep in the situation.

In an abusive relationship, gaslighting is often used as a tool of control. The abuser creates an environment where the victim is constantly second-guessing their own reality. This is one of the reasons why gaslighting is so dangerous – it’s subtle, persistent, and leaves you feeling disoriented and unsure of your own experiences.

Here are some common techniques used by gaslighters:

1. Denial of Reality: A gaslighter will deny things that you know happened, claiming you’re “imagining things” or “remembering wrong.” For example, they might say, “That never happened” or “I never said that,” even when you know they did.
2. Minimising Your Emotions: The gas lighter may belittle your feelings, telling you that you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” This diminishes your sense of worth and can make you feel ashamed of your emotions.
3. Rewriting History: Gas lighters often twist past events to fit their version of reality. They may accuse you of doing things that they themselves have done, leaving you feeling confused and defensive.
4. Blaming You for Their Behaviour: In an abusive relationship, a gas lighter will often shift the blame onto you. For instance, they might say, “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted this way,” turning their abusive behaviour into something that’s your fault.
5. Withholding Information or Stonewalling: Another common gaslighting tactic is to refuse to engage in conversations about their behaviour. They may act like they don’t remember what you’re talking about, making you question whether something even happened.

Recognising gaslighting can be difficult because it’s often subtle and progressive. However, if you’re in an abusive relationship, there are warning signs that may indicate you’re being gas lit.

Do you frequently doubt your memory of events or wonder if you’re "too emotional"? A hallmark of gaslighting is making you doubt your own perception. If you find yourself second-guessing everything – from conversations to decisions – this is a major red flag.

If you’re always apologising for things that aren’t your fault, or apologising for how you feel, it’s possible that you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re always in the wrong. Gaslighters thrive on making their victims feel guilty and responsible for the abuser's actions.

One of the most distressing aspects of gaslighting is that it can make you feel like you’re losing touch with reality. You might start asking yourself, “Am I going crazy?” or “Is it me?” If these thoughts are becoming common, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong.

If you’ve begun relying on the other person to tell you what’s real – asking them “Did that really happen?” or “What did I say?” – you may be experiencing gaslighting. It’s a tactic designed to make you doubt your own reality and become dependent on the gaslighter.

In an abusive relationship, gaslighters will often try to isolate you from friends, family, or anyone who might provide outside perspective. They may convince you that no one else will believe you, leaving you feeling alone and disconnected.

When you’re dealing with gaslighting, your body often picks up on the manipulation before your mind does. If you’re frequently anxious, uneasy, or find yourself “walking on eggshells” around the other person, this could be a sign of emotional abuse.

If you’re recognising some of these signs in your own life, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and what’s happening to you is not your fault. Gaslighting is a powerful and destructive form of emotional abuse, but acknowledging it is the first step toward reclaiming your life and sense of reality.

One of the worst effects of gaslighting is that it can make you feel isolated. The abuser may have convinced you that no one else will believe you, or that you’re being overly dramatic. But please know – your feelings are valid. You don’t have to go through this alone, and there are people who will support you.

Talking to someone you trust – whether it’s a friend, family member, or a professional like a counsellor – can help you regain clarity. It’s important to discuss your experiences with someone who understands abusive relationships and emotional abuse so that you can start to rebuild your confidence and reality.

As a counsellor, I provide a safe, non-judgemental space for you to explore what you’ve experienced. If you’ve been gaslit, you might feel like you’ve lost touch with your sense of self, or like you can’t trust your own judgement anymore. Through counselling, we can work together to rebuild that trust – in yourself and in your perception of reality.

Counselling is also a place to process the emotions that come with being in an abusive relationship. Gaslighting can leave you feeling anxious, depressed, or unsure of your self-worth. With the right support, you can recover and regain your strength.

If you suspect you’ve been a victim of gaslighting in an abusive relationship, it’s crucial to reach out for help. You don’t have to continue living in confusion and self-doubt.

Whether you’re just starting to question your situation or you’ve already recognised the emotional abuse, counselling can offer a pathway to healing. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure this out by yourself.

Book a session with me today to see how I can help!

contact me: Paulakanetherapy@outlook.com